Are You Living Your Life Waiting to Wake Up?
It hit me yesterday. As I sat in my therapy session, survival mode. Never would I have put a label on what I was feeling over the past few months, but after talking it through it was so clear. I roared into 2018. I had goals, plans, courses, social media support, friend support, blog posts, podcast dreams - and by February things had fizzled, crashed, burned and my energy came to a screeching halt.
This wasn't your typical new year's resolution fade off, this was bigger- deeper. A lot of things had happened in my life over a very short period of time. A move, a divorce, a new relationship, a new career I was desperately trying to get off the ground and now sobriety. I can now see looking back this was my time to take all the changes in and process the insanity that happened over the past two years.
I think there is an initial joy bubble that happens when you make huge changes in your life. A bubble that feels like you are riding a roller coaster at an amusement park. The highs are unbelievable but the low moments of processing can be crushing, terrifying and emotional. What personal development had taught me is I can't change things, there is no need to dwell, what good will that do? On the other hand, you have to process your emotions to move forward from past pains and the two were in constant battle.
In February, I had finally let the emotions take over. The joy bubble had officially burst and I was sitting in reality. I let the insecurity and old patterns begin to shape my daily life. I began to start believing in old stories and started to lose sight of my own worth. Sobriety has a way of bringing up all of the things that you have been masking. It makes you feel deeply the emotions that you have been hiding and once my "best friend" of wine left, insecurity took front stage in my mind.
This phase has been all about healing. It has been all about breaking down all the old patterns, bad habits and subconscious stories that are deeply embedded in all of us. Some seasons of life need to be for survival. Just getting up, trying your best and taking a breath. There needs to be these times to appreciate when you get that moment you are back on track and you have your inner spark again. These moments and phases of life are just that - they are not permanent unless you let them be.
I went from early sobriety, to my first trimester, to a broken ankle in a few months time. All of these things are major life changes that easily could have kept me down longer. But instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for myself I choose to do the inner work. I chose to show up at therapy and figure out how to move past my problems. I looked internally for what I wanted and I kept asking myself - what can I do to get there today?
I was not showing up in life like I was in January, but I was still showing up.
That line is powerful because I want you to remember that even if you are in a phase where you are not able to give your whole 100% every day, you still can make small decisions where at this moment it feels like 100%. My full force January me was not my March, April, May or June me. But I still showed up.
If you are waiting to wake up from the fog of survival mode, understand that it starts small. The same choices that got you pumped up, are the ones that will get you back on track. It begins with grace in yourself. It starts with the choice to end comparing yourself to the "perfect you" and doing what you can in this phase.
You can not live your life waiting to wake up from the survival fog! You have to take control of what you can and know that you are worth it.
Get Inspired. - It took me months, I mean months to find someone that was speaking to me, but I looked all the time for my next mentor for daily inspiration. If the normal people you follow or look up to are not connecting to this phase of life, be sure you are actively searching for those you do relate to. Get on Pinterest, Instagram, YouTube. Seek out positive accounts that even if it is for an hour, they pump you up enough to do your 100% effort for the day.
Give Yourself Grace. - Stop beating yourself up for not being who you were in the last season of your life. Comparing you, to you, is worse than comparing yourself to others. Avoid it at all costs! Change your to do list to a it's done list for the day. Write down all the things you did accomplish instead of beating yourself up for all the things you wished you had.
Stay in Gratitude. - This is something I wish I would have done sooner. My daily gratitude practice fell off for a while during this time and it truly is the key to a better mindset. When you wake up grateful for even getting the chance to have another beautiful shot at this life, your whole mood changes. If you can not commit to anything else while you are in your own survival mode, please do this! Seeing the good in what you already have in life is essential to change your state.
I am sure survival mode will show up again and again in my life. I mean new Mom soon enough! My next phase is right around the corner! I know it is just a season, a phase and I know that there is always an active, productive, intentional phase right beyond it.
Know that every day you are making decisions. Know that if you are going through a rough patch, a season of change, a period of depression, a struggle to just get to work - know it gets better. Even when it doesn't feel that way in the moment.
Wake up. Breathe. Smile and say - I am done waiting to wake up, today I will do more than merely survive.
Love, Light and Positive Vibes,